armari:

My favorite selfies of 2013

Gorgeous shades of BLACK! So beautiful…

To those who reached out today I APPRECIATE you :). I’m ok I promise. To the MANY who shared their story with me privately I SO APPRECIATE you too! As I’ve grown & matured I learned that bad times never last forever (it just seems like it) and there’s ALWAYS someone else going through the same thing. You’re never alone. Be well.

K

TW: Suicide & graphic violence

I’m not one for spilling my feelings in the air. As a matter of fact I feel more comfortable exposing my body than I do my feelings. I’ve wrestled with writing this for weeks but in light of Karyn Washington’s (founder of For Brown Girls) recent suicide I felt compelled to share my journey…and it’s still ongoing.

Anytime someone we care about dies we’re stunned. We’re even more shocked when it’s by their own hand for we can’t imagine what is so terrible that would cause someone to seek such a final solution. I used to be one of those ppl until I found myself in a darkness so black and deep, that death would not only be a blessing but a welcomed AND much needed one. From what I’ve read Karyn was very depressed and reeling from the death of her mother. The depression itself is formidable but to lose a parent as well I’m sure had to be overwhelming.

Although many ppl are depressed and it’s a common condition, for blacks it’s not something that’s talked about or even taken seriously. We’re often told and taught to ‘suck it up’, hide, or mask our feelings. To express or talk about your feelings is to be weak. We as blacks surely aren’t as likely to seek professional help not only because we don’t ‘talk to strangers’ but many just can’t afford it. I’ve seen professionals before especially after my military deployment but this time I felt that wasn’t the answer for me. I certainly didn’t want to sit in front of some white man or woman who couldn’t possibly  KNOW or UNDERSTAND my struggles as a black, queer, overworked and underpaid woman. MAYBE I could have found a black therapist, maybe even a female black therapist but the likelihood would have been slim. For real I was fed up. I just didn’t want to be here.

Last year ended on a sour note and the beginning of this year was shitty too. I received some devastating news that just sent me over the edge. I decided without much fanfare and very matter of fact that I was just gonna kill myself. And you know what? Once I decided that, a peace SO calming came over me that I was almost in bliss! The more I thought (more like obsessed) over it the better I was able to sleep and the less irritable I was during the day. My preferred method was to eat my .45 but I didn’t want my ppl to see the blowback or deal with the gross aftermath. I’ve seen plenty of GSW’s to the head and it’s not pretty. But then when I thought of that I was like, ‘damn…it can’t APPEAR to be a suicide or the ppl I love won’t get my insurance money’. THAT really put a kink in my plans. In good ol’ America I was worth several hundred thousand dollars dead and nothing alive. No, I wasn’t much too worried about my loved ones grieving over me but I was concerned that they’d have something to show for it. I’ve never feared death so this was just the most practical solution to my problem. 

So for a couple of weeks I was trying desperately to figure out a way to end my pain and still get paid for them. I thought of wrecking my car but I didn’t want to potentially injure anyone else OR risk being hella fucked up and not dead. I couldn’t take pills for the same reason I couldn’t shoot myself, hang myself or any other common way ppl take their lives. I thought about an illegal drug overdose but I didn’t think that would work either. The more I tried to come up with a solution the more stressed and irritable I became. Even more so than before I decided to go through with it. Of course this caught the attention of my partner. I finally had to come clean and tell her what I was gonna do. I sat her down and it took a long time for me to say the words then finally I did. She was devastated of course but she was silent, I’m sure from the shock. We both were silent for a while and finally I saw her tears. She NEVER cries. In 6 yrs I’ve seen her cry once so I knew this hard for her. She didn’t freak out or nag me for she knew that if I came to this conclusion that I was really at my endpoint. Shockingly she UNDERSTOOD! I’m not saying she accepted or supported it but she understood. I told her why I hadn’t done it yet and that once I figured out a way I would go ahead. She simply said Ok because there was nothing else she could say. She knows once I decide something that’s it. She suffered in silence for about a week closely monitoring me and I’m sure praying that she’d see me another day. We talked about how I felt. I explained to her how I felt that I had no purpose and if I didn’t serve one then what was the point of being here. Of course she told me I had a million reasons to be here, her and my mom being the main two…

To make a long story short her love, patience and understanding of my needs, the fact I REALLY couldn’t come up with a full proof plan, and a change in circumstances lifted me enough out of the darkness to ‘postpone for now’ my plans. I’m not saying the thoughts don’t cross my mind daily for I am still chronically depressed. I’m saying I’m taking one day at a time, one step at a time. I always hear ppl say that folks who commit suicide are selfish and they hurt the ppl they care about. Well what about OUR hurt? What about OUR pain? You can’t judge them or anyone else because you HAVE NO IDEA what it’s like to be in their skin or walk their journey. Death may be the ONLY way to escape the daily anguish they endure. It’s ironic how we can accept ppl who want to die because of unbearable physical pain yet we shun those who want the same relief from unbearable mental/emotional pain. Again that shows the stigmas associated with depression and mental illness. 

I write this to say ONLY that I understand. I’m in no way condoning OR encouraging anyone to take that route. I’m simply saying I understand the forces that drive you to the end. I understand the need for relief. I understand the feeling of helplessness and isolation. Just because one smiles often, that doesn’t mean they’re happy…

SS

 

           

 

           


My ass is poppin harder than Rice Crispies. I may have to retire as a Top & be a Power Bottom.


Happy 420 🌿💨!! (if that goofy smirk doesn’t scream ‘I’m high’)


Twitter Love!


Pink & White…because I can.


Hanging out on a beautiful day with my beautiful boi!

Throwback Thursday ~I was 21 yrs old…BEFORE I discovered threading. Those eyebrows tho :(

Anonymous asked:
Hey Kai. We used to fuck back in the day. Watching your porn preview reminded me of how good that dick is!!! We should get together again soon!!!!!!

Before we get together you’d have to remind me why we ain’t fukn anymore. But for real did you REALLY need to see that preview to know how good this rod is? It’s hard to forget, I assure you. Come off anon. I need to see who you are.

SS


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